I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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