Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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