Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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