His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
