My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
