3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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