people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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