drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
