My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
