I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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