2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
