This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
