Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
