Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
