Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
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