I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
