Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
bring money and cleavage
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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