I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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