my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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