Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
