I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
