My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
