my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
