I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
