Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Randomize
