I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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