Nicole vs. Life
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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