sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
