I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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