Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
