Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
