I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
