probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
