And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
