I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Randomize
