just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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