Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
