My sheets look like a crime scene.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
