Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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