good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
