I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
