shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
