We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
