Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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