PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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