so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
