her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
