Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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