I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Randomize
