The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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