I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
