If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
