i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
